Mass Effected
by Greenskirt Girl
Summary: A series of Mass Effect one-shots, set in all three games. Some are shameless Shenko fluff, and some are just my take on things in the Mass Effect universe. Possible spoilers for several missions.
1. Armor

A.N. – This story was inspired by my Shep getting better armor and me bitching about it because the old armor was my favorite color, but then I thought my Shep looked kind of sexy in the new armor, so I let it go. These first three chapters are set in Mass Effect 1 and are meant to go together, after that, it'll be in kind of random order. Bioware owns all characters, I just take them out to play once in a while.

Armor

Shepard was fidgeting with her armor…again. Kaidan noticed that she'd been fretting over her armor a lot lately, ever since her much beloved Hahne-Kedar Mantis armor had taken one hit too many and had to be scrapped. She'd requisitioned a new set, but the only thing available had been a dull maroon colored set of Ariake Technologies Mercenary armor. It did offer more protection than her previous set of armor, but it was clearly driving Shepard up the wall.

"Shepard, what's wrong," Kaidan sighed? "That's the third time today that you've adjusted your chest plate."

"Yeah, Commander," Ash chimed in. "You've been wiggling around like you've got ants in your armor."

"Very funny, you two." Shepard tried for a stern look, but just couldn't keep it up. "It's this armor," she said, tugging at her shoulder guard. "I liked my old Mantis armor much better. It fit me like a glove."

"Yes it did," Kaidan muttered under his breath.

"A silk glove that didn't itch in all the wrong places and rub me raw with every step I take. And it was my favorite color too," Shepard continued. "I think I look much better in green than this boring maroon."

Kaidan later blamed his slip of the tongue on intergalactic butterflies farting on the other side of the galaxy, but really, he had no explanation for what came out of his mouth next.

"Aw c'mon, Shepard. I think you look damn sexy in whatever you're wearing. Or not wearing, as was the case last night when I ran into you in the mess."

Shepard blushed a deep red, almost the same color as the hated armor. "I was hungry. I didn't think anyone would be up, and I couldn't find my robe." Then her brain processed just what he'd said. "Wait, did you seriously just say…?"

Kaidan clapped his hand over his mouth as the full import of his words hit him. "Oh my god, did I just say that out loud?"

"You sure did, LT," Ash giggled.

"Shepard, I swear, I didn't mean to…" Kaidan trailed off.

"Careful, Lieutenant." Shepard gave him **the look**, and Kaidan gulped. "Behave yourself or I'll make you wear that pretty white and pink Phoenix armor we picked up on Therum." Kaidan glanced at her and saw that despite trying to appear angry, she had a twinkle in her eyes that belied her severe expression.

"Anything but that, Commander," Kaidan gasped.

"If you two are done talking about my attire," Shepard said, rolling her eyes and adjusting her rack and straps once again, "maybe we could complete the mission we're here for. I'll take point."

She set off across the rugged terrain, Kaidan and Ash falling in behind her, and Kaidan couldn't help noticing the way the new armor fit her…backside.

_She can't be wearing underwear under that getup,_ he thought to himself. _That armor's way too tight. I don't know why Shepard doesn't like this new set. It fits her like it's painted on. God, she's got a nice ass! If she __**was **__wearing anything under her armor, I wonder what it would be._

Lost in his contemplation of Shepard's possible undergarment choices, Kaidan failed to notice that he'd slowed his pace. Ash turned around to see why he'd fallen behind, and noticed that his armor seemed to be fitting a little tighter around certain areas.

"Damn, LT," Ash laughed. "Your armor's looking a little…constricted these days. Maybe you need a bigger set. What do you say, Commander? We could get him a set of krogan armor."

Shepard pretended to consider this for a moment. "Nah. He doesn't have the shoulders for it," she laughed.

"What about quarian armor," Ash inquired?

"Doesn't have the hips for it," Shepard replied.

"How about turian armor," Ash asked?

"Doesn't have the…rear end for it," Shepard laughed.

"Hey," Kaidan said indignantly! "What's wrong with my rear end? I think I have a perfectly nice butt."

"Nothing, Lieutenant," the two women chorused. "Nothing at all."


	2. Elevators

A.N. – Gah, the elevators in this game are sooo slow. Shep needed something to do while riding. As always, Bioware owns these characters.

Elevators

Commander Arielle Shepard **really** hated riding in elevators. Be it on her ship, the _Normandy SR-1_ or the center of galactic civilization, the Citadel, elevators were just slow.

_You'd think that by the 22__nd__ century, we'd have figured out how to make an elevator that doesn't take you five minutes to get to your destination,_ she thought to herself as she boarded the elevator on the _Normandy_, heading down to the shuttle bay to work on her gear.

"Hold the elevator," she heard as the door was shutting, and she pushed the stop button, just as Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko came running up to the elevator, flushed and out of breath.

"Commander," he panted. "Sorry, I didn't know it was you. I'll take the next one."

"It's okay, Lieutenant," Shepard said. "No reason why we can't ride together." She gave him a wicked smile. "I'm not too proud to share an elevator with my crew."

"Going down," he asked, then flushed even redder when she giggled? "Oh god! I'm sorry…I didn't mean…"

"Relax, Kaidan," Shepard laughed. "I don't bite…hard." He stared at her, totally nonplussed. "That was a joke, Lieutenant."

"Right, ma'am." Kaidan fixed his gaze resolutely on the door of the elevator, which gave Shepard time to sneak a glance at the handsome lieutenant who was still red-faced from her teasing. He was a fine specimen of manhood, thick black hair, melting brown eyes, and muscles to make a girl swoon. If you were the swooning type, which Shepard most definitely was not. Well, maybe she could manage a _little_ swoon for the gorgeous biotic.

Suddenly, as if aware of her scrutiny, Kaidan turned to her with a heated look in his eyes.

"Shepard," he said ardently. "I want you. No more games. Just you and me…right now." And with that, he pinned her against the corner of the elevator with his body, capturing her mouth with his in an all-consuming kiss.

Shepard moaned against his mouth and wrapped her arms around his shoulders to keep from melting in a puddle of Spectre-shaped goo on the deck plating. Kaidan trailed his lips down her throat to the pulse point at the base, sucking on the sensitive spot in a maneuver that made her gasp.

"Kaidan," she groaned, grabbing handfuls of his uniform to steady herself as he unzipped the front of her own uniform and pulled the fabric apart to reach the bounty concealed underneath.

"Kaidan," she tried again, and he put his finger over her lips.

"No words, Shepard," he grinned teasingly, "unless that word is _yes_."

"Yes, Kaidan," Shepard moaned, and that was all the incentive either of them needed to start tearing off their uniforms, hardly mindful of the fact that they were in the elevator. She unfastened Kaidan's pants and stuck a hand in to caress his turgid flesh, which drove him to retaliate by tearing off her underwear with one hand and dropping his own with the other. He lifted her against the wall and entered her in one swift move.

"Sorry, Shepard," he moaned. "This one will have to be a quickie, but I'll make it up to you later." Kaidan thrust his hips in a ragged rhythm, whispering dirty little nothings in her ear, and she could do nothing except hang on for the ride. He stuck his hand inside her bra and stroked her sensitive flesh, and that was all it took to send her over the edge, shouting his name as her world exploded. A few thrusts later and Kaidan joined her, groaning loudly as he found his own pleasure. As she came back to earth, Shepard felt the elevator jolt as it reached its destination…

…and looked over to see Kaidan standing next to her, uniform still very much intact, not a hair out of place. Shepard looked down at herself, just to make sure she was still fully clothed, running her hands down her uniform to be certain. Kaidan turned to her, his attention caught by her movement.

"Commander," he said, voice full of concern. "Are you okay? You look a little…flushed."

"I…I'm fine," Shepard stammered. "Just a little hot. Is it hot in here?"

"Not really, Commander," Kaidan replied with a puzzled look on his face. "Maybe it's just you." He walked out of the elevator shaking his head.

"Whoo." Shepard let out her breath once she was alone. "I will **never** look at elevators the same way ever again."


	3. Hot Bunking

A.N. – I thought of this story after I read the codex entry on hot bunking. Yes, I know what hot bunking really is, but this seemed hotter. Bioware owns all characters.

Hot Bunking

Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko rubbed his eyes tiredly and passed a hand over his face. His shift on the _Normandy's_ bridge was almost over, and he was looking forward to getting some shut-eye.

"What's the matter, Alenko? Stay up too late drinking Batarian shard wine with your space marines?" The voice of the most annoying pilot in the galaxy cut through his consciousness.

"Very funny, Joker," he replied. "No, I just haven't been sleeping well since this whole thing started. Saren, the geth, the Reapers…it's all taking its toll on me, and I get three, maybe four hours of sleep a night."

"Why don't you take off early," Joker asked, in an unusual show of sympathy? "It's only half an hour till your shift ends, and I can handle things up here by myself."

"Thanks for the offer, Joker," Kaidan said, "but I couldn't just leave you here all by yourself. What if something happened?"

Joker grimaced. "C'mon, Alenko, I'm a big boy. I think I can fly the ship by myself for thirty minutes or so. It's just a routine run through the Hades Gamma cluster. Go get some sleep."

"Joker, have you forgotten who I hot bunk with," Kaidan asked sarcastically?

"Who you…oh yeah." Joker grinned. "With Commander Shepard, you lucky dog. Are the sheets still warm when it's your turn to use the bed, cause that would be **so** hot?"

"None of your business," Kaidan grumbled, "and since you've remembered who I share a bunk with, you also might remember that Shepard is not a morning person. She won't appreciate me shirking my duties, and she especially won't appreciate me waking her up early."

"So give her something to look forward to when you wake her up." Joker smirked and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "You know, give her some tongue action, then slip her the ol' Canadian kielbasa."

"Gross, Joker," Kaidan said, "but I might just do that. Wish me luck."

"Go get em, tiger," Joker said as Kaidan walked out of the cockpit with a spring in his step. He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. "Our little lieutenant's all grown up and going to seduce the Commander."

Kaidan ran down the stairs to the crew deck, almost tripping in his eagerness, then slowed as he reached the door of the small officers' cabin he shared with Shepard. He took several deep breaths to calm his heartbeat as he palmed the lock on the door. He closed the door as soon as he was inside and stood in the doorway for a moment to let his vision adjust. He could make out the form of Commander Arielle Shepard on the bed across the room, a remarkable woman whose red hair and sparkling green eyes had filled his dreams since the moment she stepped on board the _Normandy_. He thought about her when he woke up, when he went to sleep, when he was supposed to be working, it didn't matter when it was; she was always on his mind.

He quickly disrobed down to his Alliance issued underwear and slipped into bed next to Shepard before he could lose his nerve. She was wearing nothing but a little N7 t-shirt and a pair of sexy red panties that made his mouth water with anticipation. He nuzzled her shoulder as he put his arms around her, trying to wake her up as gently as possible.

"Hey beautiful," he murmured, but Shepard just muttered something unintelligible and sighed. Growing bolder, he slipped his hand under her t-shirt and cupped one generous breast, rubbing his thumb over the nipple and feeling it get hard against his hand. That got her attention, and she shifted against him, rubbing her bottom against his groin. He groaned, biting the back of her neck in retaliation, and that woke her up.

"Kaidan…what," she mumbled, trying to roll over? "My alarm didn't go off."

"Shhh, it's okay," he breathed in her ear. "Joker let me off early. So I thought we could share the bed for a little bit. And maybe do…other things too?"

"Mmm," Shepard hummed. "Only if you kiss me."

Kaidan wasted no more time covering her mouth with his own and rolling her onto her back on the bed. They kissed lazily for a moment, and then he felt her hand steal down to the bulge in his underwear, driving him wild with her curious fingers.

"Shepard," he groaned. "You naughty thing. I wanted to go slow."

"We've only got twenty minutes before I have to get up, Kaidan," she purred. "So, what did you have in mind?"

"This," Kaidan replied, whipping off her shirt and running his tongue over first one hard nipple, then the other. "And this," he said, yanking off her tiny red undies in one move, then taking his off and throwing them both across the room. "And a bit of this," he growled, pulling her on top of him to straddle his aching erection.

"Really, Kaidan," Shepard said wickedly, stroking her fingers over his own nipples, causing him to shudder with pleasure beneath her. "All this fuss just to play hide the sausage," she said teasingly. She shifted her hips playfully and Kaidan saw stars. "You can wake me up like this any day, Lieutenant."

"Is that a request or an order, ma'am," he gasped?

"Shut up and fuck me, Kaidan," she ordered.

"Yes ma'am," he groaned, grabbing her hips and sliding himself into her moist heaven. He tried to set the pace, but Shepard was determined to ride him fast and hard, and it took everything in his power just to keep up with her, to keep from exploding too soon. He marveled at the woman in his arms, short red hair flying around her head as she arched her back in pleasure, pouty pink lips open on a gasp as her orgasm hit her. He felt her inner walls squeezing his member, and that pushed him over the edge as well, gasping and shouting her name. Shepard collapsed on top of him, and he savored her slight weight for a few minutes, then looked at the clock and groaned.

"Shepard." He shook her shoulder. "It's time to get up."

"Alright," she complained, and rolled off of him. He tried to sit up, to give Shepard one last kiss before she left…

…and hit his head soundly on the lid of his sleeper pod. Cursing and holding his aching head, he realized that he wasn't due to be up for another three hours, and that he would need to clean himself up before he could go back to sleep.

"Goddamned dreams," he muttered, getting out of his pod and hoping to hell that no one else was up at this hour as he made his way to the men's restroom. "Still…maybe someday."


	4. Pigeons

Author's Note: Has anyone else noticed that there are pigeons everywhere on the Citadel, at least in ME3? That's what inspired me to write this story. All characters belong to Bioware.

Pigeons

"I want to file charges against that drell," turian politician Joram Talid snarled. "He grievously wounded my bodyguard and tried to kill me. Throw the book at him, Captain! That is, if a **human** C-Sec officer can be trusted to do his job."

"Why you son of a…," Captain Bailey roared.

"I got this, Bailey," Commander Shepard said, holding up a hand to stop him from attacking the turian. She crossed her arms, one green and blue booted foot tapping on the deck in irritation. "First of all, Talid, Kolyat Krios barely scratched your bodyguard. He's krogan, so he hardly felt a thing. Secondly, while I don't agree with calling out a hit to solve the problem, you **were** shaking down human businesses with the help of the same krogan bodyguard, so I don't think you're in any position to point fingers. What's this really about?"

"Wh…What do you mean," Talid stammered?

"You know exactly what I mean," Shepard barked, green eyes flashing. "I heard all your anti-human propaganda while I was trying to keep my associate's son from killing you, but that's just window dressing on the real issue, isn't it?" She grabbed the turian by the shoulders and slammed him against the nearest wall. "So why do you **really** hate humans?"

"Pigeons," Talid said bitterly.

"Excuse me?" Shepard took a step back and gave him a look of surprise. "Did you say…**pigeons**? What do they have to do with anything?"

"Have you ever looked around the Presidium, Commander," Talid asked angrily? "I mean really looked? Those damned nuisance birds are everywhere, thanks to humans."

"Huh," Shepard said, nonplussed.

"Some human trader thought he could make a killing, exporting birds that no one in the galaxy had ever seen before," Talid said. "A few of them got loose on the Citadel when he was bringing them to show to a client, and they multiplied quickly in an environment with no predators. I've even seen them on other planets, so they must have stowed away on ships leaving the Citadel."

"It's true, Commander," Grunt spoke up. "They're all over Tuchanka. Wrex told me they're tasty when you can catch them, but all the little bones are annoying. Plus, they poop all over the place."

"Exactly," Talid crowed! "They make a mess of the Presidium, going to the bathroom everywhere and clogging vents with their nests and feathers. We've tried everything to get rid of them, but they just keep coming back. And it's all humanity's fault."

"They are kind of a bother, Commander," Garrus said diffidently. "I think I've even seen a few on Palaven and Sur'Kesh."

"Well hell," Shepard said. "Okay Talid, I guess you have a legitimate gripe against humanity, but you can't blame all of us for the actions of one trader in what is certainly not an exotic bird by anyone's standard. But you can't go around threatening human merchants just because you're mad about some birds."

"Just like you humans," Talid sneered. "Never cleaning up after your messes."

"Now wait a minute," Shepard objected. "I never said we weren't going to clean up after ourselves. As soon as I've dealt with this Collector issue, I'll have Mordin Solus look into some kind of remedy for the pigeon problem."

"Not another genophage," Grunt interjected.

"No, nothing like that, Grunt, and hopefully nothing involving explosive pigeons. Will that satisfy you, Talid?"

"I suppose it will have to," Talid grumbled.

"And you'll drop the charges against Mr. Krios," Shepard prompted?

"I suppose you'll put it all over the media that I was bullying humans if I don't," Talid muttered?

"You got that right," Shepard assured him. "Your political career would take a serious hit, if not be completely ruined. We'll see to it that the drell does some penance for what he tried to do."

"Do that, Commander," Talid said curtly and stalked out of the station.

"Crisis averted, Commander," Garrus said jokingly. "Are you really going to have Mordin look into the pigeon problem, or did you just say that to get Talid off your back?"

"Garrus," Shepard chided, "I always keep my promises. If anybody can do something about the pigeons, it's Mordin." She grinned. "Besides, he'll enjoy the chance to play mad scientist. Grunt, do you think Wrex will want us to get rid of the pigeons on Tuchanka?"

"Nah, Shepard," Grunt said lazily. "He thinks they're cute…and delicious."


	5. On The Origin of Thresher Maws

A.N. - This story came about because I was playing the Tuchanka mission and noticed the similarities between the rachni and the thresher maw. I had to have some way to explain it, so I came up with this theory. Please read and review: reviews are welcome and appreciated. I own none of the characters, they belong to Bioware.

On the Origin of Thresher Maws

"Holy hell, Commander! If I hadn't just seen it with my own eyes, I never woulda believed it!" James Vega was riding high on the image of a Reaper destroyer getting crushed by the biggest thresher maw in the known galaxy.

"Now if we could just get one or two of those for Palaven, we'd have this war wrapped up in no time," Garrus said musingly. "Of course, the real problem is how to get them **off** Palaven once they're done killing all the Reapers for us."

"It **was** a sight to behold," Shepard replied, her green eyes lighting at the memory as she strode through the shuttle bay toward her armor locker. "I hope someone was recording it because this is one story no one's going to believe without proof." Even the thought of Mordin's recent death couldn't quite put a damper on her glee at seeing her enemy brought so low by…a worm.

"Are you kidding, Shepard," came the voice of Joker over the comm system. "As soon as I figured out you were going after a Reaper like that on foot, I had to see the action for myself. So I put the _Normandy's_ targeting computers to good use and watched the whole thing. Even patched Allers in so she could broadcast it live. It's already spawned at least five extranet memes in the hour it took you to get back up here."

Shepard shook her head at that, suspecting that Joker would see it over the ship's cameras he claimed he wasn't watching. She heard the elevator open and looked up to see Liara enter the shuttle bay, followed by the usually reclusive Javik, which was a surprise.

"It certainly was gratifying," Liara said excitedly, "but I can't help wondering about the origin of thresher maws. It seems unlikely that a species with the properties of both flora and fauna could have evolved naturally. It's just too perfect a predator to have developed that way on its own."

"That is because it did not evolve, it was created." All heads in the room turned toward Javik as he uttered this pronouncement, and a startled "Whaaat," was heard from the intercom.

"What do you mean, created," Liara asked? "They weren't around in your time period?"

"That is correct," Javik replied.

"Javik," Shepard said, "you told me that your people were responsible for the rachni being the way they are today, that you bred them to be violent. Did your people also breed the thresher maws to be some kind of weapon?"

"Yes, Commander, a weapon against the Reapers, but we did not breed them, we created them."

"Out of what," Shepard asked?

"Many things, Commander," Javik said, "but I understand that they are mostly a combination of rachni and the plant creature you called the Thorian."

"Your people knew about the Thorian," Liara gasped?

"Of course," Javik replied smugly. "Our scientists attempted to use it as a weapon as well, but it was of limited use against the Reapers. It had entrenched itself on the planet you call Feros, and would not be moved, so our scientists took samples of its flesh and spores."

"But where did you get the rachni DNA," Shepard asked? "You told me that your people thought they had exterminated the rachni."

"Do you really think that our scientists would not have kept a few samples on hand for study, Commander," Javik admonished? "They were trying to combine the mind controlling powers of the…Thorian with the mobility and fighting spirit of the rachni, in a form that would be big enough to battle the Reapers effectively."

"You didn't learn your lesson with the rachni," Shepard muttered? "So what happened? I assume that if your people had found some way to make the thresher maw into an effective weapon, there'd be a lot fewer Reapers to contend with this time around."

"We could not get the – thresher maws, did you call them – to grow to a sufficient size to battle the larger reapers. Some of our ground forces used them as mounts for a time, but it quickly became obvious that the creatures were dangerously unstable, as likely to attack their riders as they were to go after the smaller Reaper soldiers. So we slaughtered what few were left, but clearly that was not enough to completely eradicate them."

"Sounds familiar," Shepard said."

"But, Commander," Javik said, "we never used them on Tuchanka. So how did one come to be on that planet, and how did it come to be so big?"

"From what little we've been able to learn about thresher maws, they spread via spores," Liara answered him. "The spores can remain dormant for many thousands of years, even surviving in the vacuum of space. And they appear to feed off of solar radiation and minerals in the soil, so if Kalros has been living on Tuchanka for the last 50,000 years, that's a lot of radiation from a very hot sun. It's no wonder she's grown so big with such a plentiful food source."

"Interesting," Javik said.

"**Interesting**," Shepard cried! "Your people's genetic tinkering has resulted in I don't know how many lives being lost to those…things, and all you can say is **interesting**?"

"Yes, Commander," Javik replied and turned toward the elevator without another word.

"Protheans," Shepard muttered disgustedly, removing her armor.

"Wish he could genetically engineer himself a sense of humor," came the disembodied voice of Joker over the intercom. "On the plus side, I did make a tidy pile of credits from some guy with the handle of _#1_Saren_Fan_. He started a betting site the minute that footage went out, saying that 'the little redhead' didn't stand a chance against the Reaper."

"What were my odds," Shepard asked sarcastically.

"50,000 to 1," Joker said.

"And how much did you bet on me," Shepard sighed?

"Just one credit, Commander," Joker said defensively. "It's all I had on me after renewing my subscription to Forna…Finance Weekly. Yes, I subscribe to a financial magazine, but let's not talk about that."

"So you made 50,000 credits off me," Shepard said knowingly. "And when were you planning on giving me my cut?"

"Uhhhm…drinks are on me the next time we're on the Citadel," Joker said nervously.

"Yes they are, Joker," Shepard said. "Yes they are."


	6. Peanut Butter and Jellyfish

A.N. - My husband likes to tease me that my Shep is so evil, holding the baby hanar hostage in my fishtank. I said, that since my Shep is strictly Paragon, she's rescuing them and keeping them safe. If your Shep is Renegade, then you can be holding them hostage, if you like that idea better. All characters are owned by Bioware.

Peanut Butter and Jellyfish

_Shepard, the next time you are on the Citadel, look me up outside the hanar embassy. I have a matter of grave importance to discuss with you._

Shepard archived the message from Thane and stepped away from the private console in her quarters. She hoped Thane was all right; the tone of his e-mail had been so serious, but then, Thane was not a man given to frivolity. The drell assassin she had befriended seven months ago was slowly dying from a disease that, by all rights, should have done him in before he even signed on with the crew of the _Normandy_. Shepard wouldn't begrudge her friend a moment of his all-too-precious life, but the downside was knowing that she was going to have to watch yet another person in her life die.

She pressed the intercom button. "Joker, take us to the Citadel. I have to talk to Thane."

"Roger that, Commander," he replied.

Shepard turned to the hamster cage sitting on the shelf next to the bathroom door. "I hope he's okay, Fweep," she said to the small rodent peering out of his plastic house. She had gotten into the bad habit of talking to the furry creature since her miraculous resurrection, having no one else on the ship that she could trust her most private thoughts to. She would have been keeping an audio log, like she had done on the _Normandy SR1_, but like her own rebuilt frame, she suspected the new _Normandy_ to be crammed full of Cerberus tech, and she **did not** want the Illusive Man having that much more of an insight into her psyche. So she had asked Mordin to sweep her quarters for bugs, and then she had started talking to a damned hamster, pretending that she wasn't just talking to herself.

"Approaching the Citadel, Commander," Joker commed her a few minutes later.

"I'm on my way, Joker," Shepard replied.

A short time later, Shepard found herself on the Citadel, striding out of the elevator toward the hanar embassy's office, unconsciously slowing her habitual rapid pace to delay receiving the dire news she was expecting from the tone of Thane's message. She saw Thane standing in the embassy next to a strikingly purple hanar, and breathed a sigh of relief that he didn't seem to be any closer to death than the last time she had seen him.

"Shepard," he greeted her with a firm handshake. "It's good to see you again."

"You too, Thane," she replied. "How are you? Your message said it was important. Are you okay?"

"I am fine, Shepard," Thane said calmly. "As fine as I can be in my condition. I did not mean to worry you, but as I said, I do have a matter of some importance to discuss with you." He gestured to the hanar next to him. "This is Ambassador Boolek, one of the hanar I am…close with. It would like to ask a favor of the great Commander Shepard.

"This one is honored to meet the first human Spectre." Boolek flashed with bioluminescence and put out a tentacle for Shepard to shake. "This one would not customarily ask for help from one not entrusted with this one's Soul Name, but this one has no other recourse."

"Of course," Shepard replied. "Whatever I can do to assist our hanar allies, just name it."

Thane motioned to a large tank full of water and what appeared to be small…jellyfish. "These young are all that remains of one of the oldest families of hanar on Kahje. The rest were visiting Palaven and were wiped out when a Reaper destroyer blew up their transport while they attempted to escape. Boolek is…I guess the closest human word for the relationship is cousin to these young ones."

"Oh wow," Shepard leaned closer to the tank to get a better look at the tiny hanar gliding serenely through the water. "I thought those were just normal jellyfish. I've never seen a baby hanar before."

"Few have," Thane said. "The hanar are a very private people. We have been perpetuating the fiction that these are indeed **just** jellyfish, in order to keep the young ones from harm."

"This one has heard that the Commander has a fish tank in its cabin," Boolek interjected. "This one would beg the Commander to keep the young safe in the tank for the duration of the war."

"I have eels from Khar'shan in my aquarium," Shepard said doubtfully. "As well as some other fish that might find young hanar mighty tasty. That could be a problem. The last thing I want to do is create a diplomatic incident because one of my fish ate the last scion of the hanar royal house."

"Not to worry, Commander," Thane replied with a small smile. "Though they are only a few weeks old, young hanar are more than capable of defending themselves against almost any predators, including those eels."

"Alright," she said. "If you say so. How big are they going to grow? Am I going to need to find a bigger home for them in the next few weeks, because I really don't have room for another fish tank on the _Normandy_?"

"Young hanar do not mature that fast, Shepard," Thane grinned. "This war will be over or we will all be dead before that becomes an issue."

"Charming thought," Shepard grimaced. "What the heck am I supposed to feed them?"

"At this stage in their development, they will prosper from eating almost anything," Thane said, "including common fish food. So you may feed them whatever you are feeding the rest of the fish in your aquarium. We will give you some supplements to augment their diet so they do not grow too used to processed food."

"Good to know," Shepard said, "but I'm still a little worried about taking them onboard the _Normandy_. I know this war has taken its toll on everyone, but I can't imagine that the hanar are so desperate that they would be willing to send their young off world on a warship that might not survive the next battle."

Thane looked a little sad at this. "The hanar **are** desperate, Shepard, but more than that, these young hanar will earn great honor among their people by traveling aboard the _Normandy_. Though they are but infants, they will merit great respect from the rest of the hanar for serving with the woman who stopped Saren and Sovereign and destroyed the Collector base."

"Fair enough," Shepard replied, then turned to the hanar. "Ambassador, I would be more than happy to shelter your kin on my ship for however long it takes me to kick the Reapers back into whatever black hole they crawled out of. I will try my utmost to keep them safe from the horrors of war and bring them back to you unharmed."

"This one thanks the Commander," Boolek's hide rippled with light. "This one would thank the Commander and grant it a boon in return: this one's Soul Name."

"That is a very great compliment, Commander," Thane said. "Hanar share their Soul Names only with those they are very close to."

"I would be honored to know your Soul Name, Ambassador," Shepard said respectfully.

The hanar ambassador trilled something long and complicated in its liquid language, then bowed slightly and undulated out of the office.

"Thank you," Shepard called after it, then turned to Thane. "That was beautiful, but what does it mean?"

Thane could not suppress the wide grin that had split his face upon hearing the Soul Name.

"What's so funny," Shepard asked?

"That was not Boolek's original Soul Name," Thane chuckled. "I believe it has chosen a new Soul Name this very day."

"All right," Shepard frowned, "but I still don't know what it means, or why it's so funny."

"Roughly translated," Thane said, "it means Number One Fan of Shepard."

"Ooookay." Shepard turned to the tank and activated her omni-tool. "Joker, I need a pickup at the embassy offices."

"You coming back so soon, Commander," Joker asked?

"Not me," Shepard replied, "but I got some new jellyfish for the fish tank and I need to get them back to the ship ASAP."

"Jellyfish, Commander?" Joker sounded dubious. "You want me to send someone all the way down there just for jellyfish?"

"Yes, Joker, jellyfish."


End file.
